The Secondary Phase
Fit the Seventh
The series opens in the Hitchhiker's Guide offices on Ursa Minor Beta, where Zarniwoop, the editor of the guide, is apparently on an intergalactic cruise in his office. Zaphod Beeblebrox arrives as a hitchhiker on a megafreighter: although reports are out that he has been eaten by a Haggunenon, he, Trillian and Marvin had escaped when the admiral turned into an escape capsule immediately after eating them. Trillian, however, had been forcibly married to the Algolian chapter of the Galactic Rotary Club. Zaphod has come to Ursa Minor Beta having received a message from himself telling himself to go and see Zarniwoop. Meanwhile, Arthur and Ford are drinking on pre-historic earth. A spaceship appears in front of them, but vanishes when they reach for the bottle to celebrate their rescue. Eventually they work out that this is a time paradox, and they need to figure out how to signal the ship in the future so that they can be rescued. Back at the Hitchhiker's offices, Zaphod meets up with Marvin on his way to Zarniwoop's office. The building comes under attack from the Frogstar Robots who are trying to capture Zaphod. Zaphod leaves Marvin to stop the robot who has been sent to collect him, and escapes into the artificial universe in Zarniwoop's office, accompanied by the mysterious Roosta. The robots decide to take the entire building back to Frogstar.
Fit the Eighth
Zaphod has been located by a Frogstar Prisoner Relations Officer, and Roosta explains that the robots are going to feed Zaphod to the "Total Perspective Vortex". Meanwhile, Ford and Arthur are still dealing trying to work out how to signal their rescue ship. When they eventually give up and wave a towel, the spaceship responds and comes into land: they are trapped under a boulder, and the towel is sent into a lava flow. The 'boulder' turns out to be the spaceship Heart of Gold: Zaphod emerges from a hatch, rather drunk, and tells them that he has survived the Total Perspective Vortex. He explains that the towel had been fossilised, and when the Earth was blown up two million years later, the Improbability Drive had picked it up. Back at the Guide building, Zaphod and Roosta had attempted to escape with a 'body debit' card, but it had only teleported them to another room within the building. The Frogstar Prisoner Relations Officer tricks Zaphod into signing a consent form for entering the Vortex: this is designed to momentarily show the utter insignificance of the individual in relation to the entire universe, an experience which no-one has previously survived. Zaphod, however, reports that it confirmed that he is a "really great guy".
Fit the Ninth
Ford has become suspicious about the destruction of the earth, since 'No one demolishes planets anymore.' He has noticed that a fleet of Vogon ships is following the Heart of Gold. On board the Vogon ship, the identity of the Heart of Gold and its occupants have been confirmed: the Vogon captain contacts Gag Halfrunt, Zaphod's psychiatrist, who, it emerges, originally hired the Vogons to destroy the Earth. He wants the Heart of Gold destroyed, but not until he has received fees which Zaphod owes him. Halfrunt contacts Zaphod, who breaks of communications when he realises that they are under attack from the Vogons. He is unable to engage the Infinite Improbability drive, as Eddie the Shipboard Computer explains that all the ship's circuits are occupied: utterly frustrated with the Nutrimat's failure to dispense real tea, Arthur asked the computer (rhetorically) if it knew why he wants a cup of tea... Zaphod decides to contact his great-grandfather via a seance; his great-grandfather berates him for neglecting his task of discovering the true ruler of the universe, and refuses to help with the Vogons. In the nick of time, Eddie is restored to normal function and engages the Infinite Improbability Drive.
Fit the Tenth
The Heart of Gold materialises in a 'cave' on the planet Brontitall. After Zaphod, Ford, Arthur and Marvin have left the ship, Eddie comments that they are thirteen miles above ground level, although there are no mountains on the planet. Arthur falls out of the mouth of the cave, to land on the back of a large bird, who explains that the 'cave' is a mile long marble sculpture of a plastic cup, hanging in the sky, and that this is part of a larger statue: 'Arthur Dent Throwing the Nutrimatic Cup.' The vision of Arthur's argument with the Nutrimat had sparked a revolution against technology on their planet. Discovering that he is carrying the real live Arthur Dent, the bird takes his passenger to meet 'the Wise Old Bird' who hints at an 'unspeakable' event in the planet's past, which Arthur must go down to the ground to discover. Meanwhile, Ford attempts to rescue Zaphod, who is dangling from the lip of the cup, but both fall and land on another bird. On the surface, Arthur encounters a Footwarrior who has declares the planet of Brontitall to be the property of the Dolmansaxlil Galactic Shoe Corporation. Arthur takes refuge in a trench with an archaeologist named Lintilla, who tells Arthur that she's on Brontitall to discover why the Footwarriors are all limping.
Fit the Eleventh
Lintilla tells Arthur that she was stranded on Brontitall when her spaceship was disabled. With the help of her 'crisis inducer', she leads Arthur through a labyrinth of tunnels. Meanwhile, Zaphod and Ford force their bird to take them to the surface, thus incurring the wrath of the bird people. Lintilla introduces Arthur to two of her "sisters" (actually two of 5,780,000,000 clones), who take them to a shaft that has suddenly opened up to reveal an entire archaeological layer of compressed shoes. The opening of the shaft was caused by Marvin, who has also fallen out of the cup. However, before the Lintillas and Arthur can go any further, they are captured by a Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation executive. He explains that Brontitall was the target of a Dolmansaxlil Shoe Shop Intensifier Ray, which forced them to construct nothing but shoe shops, and sell nothing but badly made shoes. They are rescued by Marvin, as Ford and Zaphod take refuge from the bird people in a large dilapidated building. They discover that this is a spaceport, full of abandoned ship. One ship, however, still appears to have power. Zaphod makes himself a stethoscope so that he can hear what is going on inside.
Fit the Twelfth
Ford and Zaphod discover that the ship they have found in the spaceport is still functional, but has been delayed by over 900 years, awaiting the delivery of lemon soaked paper napkins. Meanwhile, Arthur, Marvin and the Lintillas are discovered by the Footwarriors. Their escape attempt is interrupted by the arrival of a man named Poodoo, a priest named Varntvar, and three men named Allitnil. Poodoo is keen to introduces the Allitnils to the Lintillas, and when they meet the three couples immediately decide to get married. As two of the couples disappear, Arthur discovers that the marriage certificates are actually 'agreements to cease to be', sent out by the cloning company in an attempt to eliminate the multiple Lintillas. Back inside the space ship, Ford and Arthur flee to the flight deck as the passengers are woken from suspended animation. Unable to convince the autopilot that they are not passengers, they take refuge in the first class compartment, where they meet Zarniwoop. As Arthur, the remaining Lintilla and Marvin make their way towards the spaceport, the world around them begins to fold up: Zarniwoop explains that Zaphod they are still inside the artificial universe in his office, which he had built as a hiding place. He and Zaphod had set out to discover who was really ruling the galaxy, for which they needed the Heart of Gold with the Infinite Improbability Drive. Now that Zaphod has successfully brought this to Zarniwoop, the artificial universe can be dismantled. Ford, Zaphod, Arthur and Zarniwoop emerge from the Heart of Gold outside a shack where an old man lives with his cat. They question him about the decisions he makes for the galaxy, during which he reveals he had received a request from Zaphod for permission to destroy the Earth, under pressure from the galaxy's psychiatrists who feared that the revelation of the Ultimate Question would put them out of a job. Arthur storms out, taking the Heart of Gold with Lintilla and Marvin aboard, leaving Ford, Zaphod and Zarniwoop stranded on the planet with the old man.
