Quotes: The Secondary Phase
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable... There is another theory which states that this has already happened... There is yet a third theory which suggests that both of the first two theories were concocted by a wily editor of 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' in order to increase the level of universal uncertainty and paranoia and so boost the sales of the guide.... This last theory is, of course, the most convincing, because 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' is the only book in the whole of the known universe to have the words 'Don't Panic' inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. (Fit the Seventh)
Bypasses are devices which allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast, whilst other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder, "what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there? And what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to there?" They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they want to be. (Fit the Seventh)
Arthur: Who's Roosta?
Ford: Mate of mine. 'Nother researcher on the 'Guide. Great little thinker, Roosta. Great hitcher. He's a guy who really knows where his towel is.
Arthur: Knows what?
Ford: Where his towel is.
Arthur: Why should he want to know where his towel is?!
Ford: Everybody should know where his towel is.
Arthur: I think your head's come undone.
Narrator: 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' has this to say on the subject of towels: A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing any interstellar Hitch-Hiker can carry. For one thing it has great practical value, you can wrap it around you for warmth from the cold moons of Jaglan Beta, sunbathe on it on the marble beaches of Bantraginus Five, huddle beneath it for protection from the Arcturan Mega-gnats as you sleep beneath the stars of Kakrafoon, use it to sail a mini-raft down the slow heavy river Moth, wet it for use in hand to hand combat, wrap it 'round your head to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal - which is such a mind bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - and, even dry yourself off with it, if it still seems clean enough.
(Fit the Seventh)
Frogstar Robot: Out of my way little robot
Marvin: I'm afraid I've been left here to stop you.
Frogstar Robot: You? Stop me? Go on!
Marvin: No really I have.
Frogstar Robot: What are you armed with?
Marvin: Guess.
Frogstar Robot: Guess?
Marvin: Yes, go on, you'll never guess
Frogstar Robot: Erm... laser beam?
Marvin: No.
Frogstar Robot: No, no no no no, too obvious I suppose...Anti matter ray?
Marvin: Far too obvious.
Frogstar Robot: Yes... er, how about an electron ram?
Marvin: What's that?
Frogstar Robot: One of these.
Marvin: No, not one of those.
Frogstar Robot: Good though isn't it?
Marvin: Very good.
Frogstar Robot: I know, you must have one of those new Xanthic Re-Structtion Destabilised Zenon Emitters.
Marvin: Nice, aren't they?
Frogstar Robot: That what you got?
Marvin: No.
Frogstar Robot: Oh, then it must be one of those things with twirls... goes whoosh...
Marvin: You're thinking along the wrong lines you know, you're failing to take into account something very basic in the relationship between men and robots.
Frogstar Robot: I- I- I- I know it I know it, I've seen them. Quite big... er...
Marvin: Look, look, no, just think. They left me - an ordinary, menial robot - to stop you - a gigantic, heavy-duty battle machine - whilst they ran off to save themselves... What do you think they would leave me with?
Frogstar Robot: Well, er, something pretty damn devastating I would expect.
Marvin: Expect? Oh yes, expect. I'll tell you what they gave me to protect myself with, shall I?
Frogstar Robot: Yes all right.
Marvin: Nothing.
Frogstar Robot: What?
Marvin: Nothing at all. Not an electronic sausage.
Frogstar Robot: Well, doesn't that just take the biscuit!
Marvin: And me with this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.
Frogstar Robot: Yeah? Oh that makes me angry, think I'll smash that wall down.
Marvin: That's very impressive.
Frogstar Robot: Oh you ain't seen nothing yet, I can take this floor out too... no trouble!
Frogstar Robot: Oh dear!
Frogstar Robot: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Marvin: What a depressingly stupid machine. (Fit the Seventh)
Reason not withstanding, the universe continues unabated. Its history is terribly long and awfully difficult to understand, even in its simpler moments which are, roughly speaking, the beginning and the end. The wave harmonic theory of historical perception, in its simplest form, states that history is an illusion caused by the passage of time, and that time is an illusion caused by the passage of history. It also states that one's perception of these illusions is conditioned by three important factors: who you are; where you are; and when you last had lunch with Zaphod Beeblebrox. (Fit the Eighth)
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move with no hope of rescue: Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far (which, given your curent circumstances seems more likely): Consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer. (Fit the Eighth)
Narrator: One of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation creations is the NutriMatic Drink Dispenser. One of which has just provided Arthur Dent with a plastic cup filled with a liquid which is almost - but not quite - entirely unlike tea.
Arthur: Ahh. Yeugh!!
Narrator: The way it works is very interesting. When the 'Drink' button is pressed it makes an instant, but highly-detailed, examination of the subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject's metabolism, and then sends tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject's brain, to see what is likely to be well received. However, no one knows quite why it does this, because it then invariably delivers a cup-full of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
(Fit the Ninth)
Life, as many people have spotted, is, of course, terribly unfair. For instance, the first time the Heart of Gold ever crossed the galaxy the massive improbability field it generated caused two-hundred-and-thirty-nine thousand lightly-fried eggs to materialise in a large, wobbly heap on the famine-struck land of Poghril in the Pansel system. The whole Poghril tribe had just died out from famine, except for one man who died of cholesterol-poisoning some weeks later. The Poghrils, always a pessimistic race, had a little riddle, the asking of which used to give them the only tiny twinges of pleasure they ever experienced. One Poghril would ask another Poghril, "Why is life like hanging upside down with your head in a bucket of hyena offal?" To which the second Poghril would reply "I don't know, why is life like hanging upside down with your head in a bucket of hyena offal?" To which the first Poghril would reply, "I don't know either - wretched isn't it?" (Fit the Ninth)
It is often said that a disproportionate obsession with purely academic or abstract matters indicates a retreat from the problems of real life. However, most of the people engaged in such matters say that this attitude is based on three things: ignorance, stupidity, and nothing else. Philosophers, for example, argue that they are very much concerned with the problems posed by real life. Like, for instance, "what do we mean by real?", and "how can we reach an empirical definition of life?", and so on. One definition of life, albeit not a particularly useful one, might run something like this: "Life is that property which a being will lose as a result of falling out of a cold and mysterious cave thirteen miles above ground level." This is not a useful definition, 'A' - because it could equally well refer to the subject's glasses if he happens to be wearing them, and 'B' - because it fails to take into account the possibility that the subject might happen to fall onto, say, the back of an extremely large passing bird. The first of these flaws is due to sloppy thinking, but the second is understandable, because the mere idea is quite clearly, utterly ludicrous. (Fit the Tenth)
Marvin: I ache, therefore I am. Or in my case: I am, therefore I ache. Oh look: I appear to be lying at the bottom of a very deep, dark hole. That seems a familiar concept, what does it remind me of? Ahhh. I remember: life. Perhaps if I lie here and ignore it, it'll go away again. Or then again, perhaps not. To be perfectly frank with myself, if it didn't go away as a result of me falling fifteen miles through the air and a further mile through solid rock, I'm probably stuck with it for good. Why don't I just lie here anyway? Why don't I climb out? Why don't I just go "zutel-wortle?" Does it matter? Even if it does matter, does it matter that it matters? Zutel-wortle, zutel-wortle, zutel-wortle... (Fit the Eleventh)
Will everything tie up neatly or will it be just like life: quite interesting in parts, but no substitute for the real thing? (Fit the Eleventh)
Autopilot: There has been a delay. The passengers are kept in temporary suspended animation for their comfort and convenience. Coffee and biscuits are served every ten years, after which passengers are returned to suspended animation for their comfort and convenience. Departure will take place when flight stores are complete. We apologise for the delay.
Ford: Delay? Have you seen the world outside this ship? It's a wasteland. A desert. Civilisation's been and gone. It's over. There are no lemon-soaked paper napkins on the way from anywhere.
Autopilot: The statistical likelihood is that other civilisations will arise. There will one day be lemon-soaked paper napkins. Until then, there will be a short delay. Please return to your seats. (Fit the Twelfth)
The major problem - one of the major problems - for there are several - one of the many major problems with governing people is that of who you get to do it. Or, rather, of who manages to get people to let them do it to them. To summarise: it is a well-known and much lamented fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarise the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president should, on no account, be allowed to do the job. To summarise the summary of the summary: people are a problem. (Fit the Twelfth)
